AITA for telling my mom i don’t consider her a parent at all?
Welcome back to the blog, folks! Today's AITA submission delves into one of the most fraught and emotionally charged family dynamics: estranged parents attempting to re-enter the lives of their adult children. Our OP has shared a story that truly tugs at the heartstrings, recounting a childhood marked by abandonment and the difficult, raw conversation that followed years later. It's a tale of deep-seated hurt, the long shadow of neglect, and the complex path to healing—or the lack thereof.
This isn't just about a simple argument; it's about the very definition of parenthood and what it means to earn that title. When a biological parent, absent for years due to their own struggles, suddenly seeks to claim a role they never truly filled, where does the child's loyalty and emotional obligation lie? We're about to dive deep into OP's dilemma and try to unpack the layers of pain and perspective that come with such a profound declaration.
"AITA for telling my mom i don't consider her a parent at all?"
This situation presents a truly complex emotional landscape, where both parties, in their own ways, are experiencing profound pain. On one hand, OP's feelings are entirely valid and understandable. A child who experiences neglect and abandonment, especially at the hands of a parent, carries those scars for a lifetime. The absence of a parental figure during formative years cannot simply be erased or compensated for by a late-stage attempt at connection, regardless of the biological tie.
The declaration "I don't consider you a parent at all" is a raw expression of a lived reality. For OP, the definition of "parent" was embodied by their grandmother, the person who provided care, stability, and love. The biological mother, in OP's experience, forfeited that role through her actions and choices, even if those choices were influenced by addiction. Expecting instant forgiveness or a ready-made relationship after such a history is often unrealistic and unfair to the abandoned child.
However, it's also important to acknowledge the mother's perspective, without necessarily validating her past actions. Her journey to sobriety and her expressed desire to make amends indicate a potential shift and a yearning for connection, perhaps driven by genuine remorse. While this doesn't excuse her past, it reflects a human desire for redemption and to mend broken ties. Her emotional reaction to OP's statement, though not justifying her past, likely stems from her own pain and the realization of the full extent of the damage she caused.
Ultimately, OP is not obligated to provide their mother with a pathway to redemption or to grant her the title of "parent" if it doesn't align with their truth and emotional experience. While empathy for the mother's current state is possible, protecting one's own peace and acknowledging past trauma takes precedence. OP's statement, while harsh, might have been a necessary boundary and an honest reflection of their reality, rather than an act of gratuitous cruelty.
The Verdict is In: Was OP Justified, or Too Harsh?
The comments section exploded with a resounding consensus on this one, and it's clear where the community stands. Many users powerfully articulated that OP owes their biological mother absolutely nothing. The overwhelming sentiment is that parenthood is earned through consistent care, love, and presence, not simply by giving birth. Users pointed out that the mother's sobriety journey is for her, and it doesn't automatically entitle her to a relationship she neglected to build during OP's crucial developmental years.
Several comments highlighted the burden often placed on children of estranged parents to facilitate the parent's healing. Readers emphasized that OP's truth, no matter how painful for the mother, is valid and necessary for OP's own emotional well-being. The act of setting such a firm boundary, while difficult, was seen as a vital step in self-preservation, with many relating their own experiences of dealing with similar difficult parental figures who re-emerged later in life.
This AITA story serves as a powerful reminder that while biology creates a child, true parenthood is forged through consistent love, care, and sacrifice. OP's difficult but honest declaration, though painful for their biological mother, was an act of self-preservation and an assertion of their lived truth. It highlights the crucial distinction between a birth parent and a true parent, and reinforces the idea that adult children are not responsible for their parents' emotional redemption. Moving forward, OP's journey involves honoring their boundaries and continuing to build a life surrounded by those who have genuinely earned the title of family.
